About Intensives Resource Vault Podcast Magazine

Quick Primer: Complex partner trauma 

CPT is a term that helps describe the severe trauma and serious impact of being partnered to a person with ongoing fidelity-violating behavior.
People of all genders and relationship preferences can experience CPT. It is an experience unlike any other; traumatic to the core. 

Let’s examine the four phases of complex partner trauma:

Endangerment

You were deliberately deceived; kept from knowing about your partner’s secret sex life. The subterfuge used against you kept you from knowing that your partner put you in an unsafe position to continue bonding, supporting and connecting with your partner in ways you would not have chosen if you had the information you deserved. You did not know - could not know- how very endangered you were, emotionally, relationally, and maybe even physically and financially. 

Endangerment
Awareness

As you uncover the evidence of betrayal, you become more aware of what is being deliberately hidden from you. Each new confession or discovery generates fear of the next secret... trust begins eroding and you have to work hard to find the truth, you have to dig and be alert. You fashion forensic questions for your partner to own up, but you get fuzzy responses. It's maddening, but then you sense some progress, some signs of healing - only to have your hopes dashed - over and over. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop because you sense there’s more… Trauma sets in.

Reality
Collapse

Everything shifts when you reach your saturation point: reality collapse. It happens in one fell swoop or over a period of time, but the epiphany is the same; it's worse than you knew, there IS more. A shift happens within you, a clarity about the depth and breadth of your partner's duplicity - just how far your partner was willing to go to keep you in the dark. Your world is more upside down than ever - everything is affected. You’re driven from the depths of your nervous system to find safety for yourself… this is the painful breakdown where healing begins.

Reality
Acclimation

Now, every memory of the past is calibrating to match the real picture of the endangerment you've been existing in. You may not know all the secrets, but you have enough information to calculate the level of violation and  mistreatment you have been subjected to... by the person who was supposed to always have your best interest at heart. With trauma symptoms at a full boil - this is where your brain and nervous system are working to heal. 

What kind of cheating leads to
complex partner trauma?

The detriment created by betrayal violence is not hinged on the “type” or “severity” of the secret sex life a person hides from their partner. Whether the infidelity includes full-out physical and emotional affairs, commercial sex acts, ongoing hidden porn use, or anything in between (including any financial or legal secrets that are being concealed), the devastating effects on the partner and family system are life-altering. Betrayal violence (BV) is the term that helps us correctly understand the specific conduct of the secretly and repeatedly unfaithful partner, which can lead to the development of CPT for their spouse/significant other.

Deception, gaslighting and trust exploitation create the context for endangerment, and as BV continues, the phases of complex partner trauma unfold.

Have you read the CPT magazine?

Quick primer: Complex partner trauma 

CPT is a term that helps describe the severe trauma and serious impact of being partnered to a person with ongoing fidelity-violating behavior.
People of all genders and relationship preferences can experience CPT. It is an experience unlike any other; traumatic to the core. 

Let’s examine the four phases of complex partner trauma:

Endangerment

You were deliberately deceived; kept from knowing about your partner’s secret sex life. The subterfuge used against you kept you from knowing that your partner put you in an unsafe position to continue bonding, supporting and connecting with your partner in ways you would not have chosen if you had the information you deserved. You did not know - could not know- how very endangered you were, emotionally, relationally, and maybe even physically and financially.

Endangerment
Awareness

As you uncover the evidence of betrayal, you become more aware of what is being deliberately hidden from you. Each new confession or discovery generates fear of the next secret... trust begins eroding and you have to work hard to find the truth, you have to dig and be alert. You fashion forensic questions for your partner to own up, but you get fuzzy responses. It's maddening, but then you sense some progress, some signs of healing - only to have your hopes dashed - over and over. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop because you sense there’s more… Trauma sets in.

Reality
Collapse

Everything shifts when you reach your saturation point: reality collapse. It happens in one fell swoop or over a period of time, but the epiphany is the same; it's worse than you knew, there IS more. A shift happens within you, a clarity about the depth and breadth of your partner's duplicity - just how far your partner was willing to go to keep you in the dark. Your world is more upside down than ever - everything is affected. You’re driven from the depths of your nervous system to find safety for yourself… this is the painful breakdown where healing begins.

Reality
Acclimation

Now, every memory of the past is calibrating to match the real picture of the endangerment you've been existing in. You may not know all the secrets, but you have enough information to calculate the level of violation and mistreatment you have been subjected to... by the person who was supposed to always have your best interest at heart. With trauma symptoms at a full boil - this is where your brain and nervous system are working to heal.

What kind of cheating causes complex partner trauma?

The detriment created by betrayal violence is not hinged on the “type” or “severity” of the secret sex life a person hides from their partner. Whether the infidelity includes full-out physical and emotional affairs, commercial sex acts, ongoing hidden porn use, or anything in between (including any financial or legal secrets that are being concealed), the devastating effects on the partner and family system are life-altering. Betrayal violence (BV) is the term that helps us correctly understand the specific conduct of the secretly and repeatedly unfaithful partner which leads to the development of CPT for their spouse/significant other.

Betrayal violence creates the context for endangerment and as BV continues, the rest of the CPT phases unfold.

Have you read the CPT magazine?

What is betrayal violence?

Betrayal violence (BV) occurs in committed relationships where violations of fidelity by one partner take place outside the awareness of the other partner, who is deliberately deceived about the betrayals in an ongoing manner by the use of power and control.

BV is characterized by the behavior of a person who:
1) maintains a committed relationship with one significant other,
2) secretly and repeatedly violates the fidelity of the committed relationship, and
3) uses abusive behavior and communication (ABC) to restrain the significant other from awareness of the violations.

 

The abusive behavior and communication used in BV is classified as deception, persuasion (gaslighting and reality control) and exploitation (taking advantage of the partner’s domestic labor, religious convictions or their loyalty, trust and support throughout the years where infidelity was occurring).

Is it really violence?

Violence is a strong word, especially in cases where the fidelity violator never wanted to traumatize their partner. Many fidelity violators who have enacted betrayal violence are hesitant to see their conduct for what it is.

As a betrayed partner it can feel alarming and unwelcome to consider that "violence" has been a part of your experience. You can learn more about why we use this word in the Resource Vault. 

 

Resource Vault

What is betrayal violence?

Betrayal violence (BV) occurs in committed relationships where violations of fidelity by one partner take place outside the awareness of the other partner, who is deliberately deceived about the betrayals in an ongoing manner by the use of power and control.

BV is characterized by three concurrent modes of conduct exhibited by a person who:
1) maintains a committed relationship with one significant other,
2) secretly and repeatedly violates the fidelity of the committed relationship, and
3) uses abusive behavior and communication (ABC) to restrain the significant other from awareness of the violations.

The abusive behavior and communication used in BV is classified as deception, persuasion (gaslighting and reality control) and exploitation (taking advantage of the partner’s domestic labor, religious convictions or their loyalty, trust and support throughout the years where infidelity was occurring).

Is it really violence?

Violence is a strong word, especially in cases where the fidelity violator never wanted to traumatize their partner. Many fidelity violators who have enacted betrayal violence are hesitant to see their conduct for what it is.

As a betrayed partner it can feel alarming and unwelcome to consider that "violence" has been a part of your experience. You can learn more about why we use this word in the Resource Vault.

Resource Vault
Hope Ray

About Hope

Hope Ray, LPC CSAT CHFP CCPS
Hope is a therapist, theoretician and the pioneer of betrayal violence (BV), an overarching framework for infidelity that pinpoints the endangerment betrayed partners face when their significant others use deception, gaslighting and exploitation to hide fidelity-violating behavior.

In 2023, Hope established the Betrayal Violence Institute (BVI) which provides definitions and education for professionals in the mental health, medical, pastoral, legal and community-based realms to better understand the common power dynamics in modern infidelity.  

Hope is the creator of Complex Partner Trauma Magazine, a publication for betrayed women, and the host of Women Who Discover, a private podcast about infidelity betrayal.

For over a decade, Hope has walked alongside betrayed partners and couples in her intensive-based practice in Michigan. She is a wife and mother of two, a “foodie,” a piano songwriter and a bird lover with aspirations to someday become a falconer.

Hope serves on the advisory board for Lit Path, a nonprofit organization that provides partial therapy scholarships for those in need.
If you would like to apply for a scholarship to reduce therapy costs with your therapist -OR- if you’d like to help fund scholarships for those struggling to afford the help they need, scan the QR code. It’s quick, easy, and truly impactful - the only program of its kind!

Media Inquiries: [email protected]

Hope serves on the advisory board for Lit Path, a nonprofit organization that provides partial therapy scholarships for those in need.
If you would like to apply for a scholarship to reduce therapy costs with your therapist -OR- if you’d like to help fund scholarships for those struggling to afford the help they need, scan the QR code below. It’s quick, easy, and truly impactful - the only program of its kind!

Media Inquiries: [email protected]

The Story We Share

I hurled my wedding ring at the wall - it was in the middle of another half-truth disclosure; one of those back-at-square-one type of fights where I was being worked over to disbelieve the evidence I had right in front of me. I remember the way my body used to shake during those moments of crisis… how the wrecking ball of deception swung relentlessly until all was crushed. 

Trauma everywhere

I used to wake up each morning and the first thing I could feel was my shattered heart. A hundred unanswered questions… a thousand fears… unsafe to connect and yet starving to be feel chosen.

I was sinking under the weight of constantly triggered trauma; the panic of another business trip or a beautiful woman at the grocery store just buying food for her family. One April day my reality collapsed in one fell swoop and I experienced clarity that was sharp enough to cut through all the crazy-making. I encountered more evidence of the truth that I was restrained from knowing - and I began to understand just how endangered my wellbeing and safety truly was.   

Desecrated Trust, Broken Vows

As my brain and heart calibrated I felt more pain than I had ever experienced in my life - I never signed up for any of it. And even with divorce, the devastating impact didn’t disappear along with the relationship. The trauma I had sustained (and old wounds that were reopened) still throbbed inside me from the blunt impact of betrayal.

My healing was a clunky journey riddled with wrong turns. The photos of me from that time will forever portray my misery; sad eyes, worn-out heart, and crumpled shoulders. Yet, I healed. 

What came of it all?

My own experience gave me the eyes and ears to understand this pain, but it is my clients who have taught me more about the principle dimensions of infidelity than psychology ever has. 

Since 2012, my work has been sharply focused on helping society understand the inequities that emerge in relationships where fidelity violations are kept hidden from one's partner. I created the Betrayal Violence Institute (BVI) in order to educate organizations about the consistently overlooked power dynamics that lie at the heart of most modern infidelity. Part of BVI's mission is to define important terms that help cohere the language in the therapeutic community and beyond. I see this as a critical gap that needs to be filled, and it will have a positive domino effect into other disciplines as well. 

Casting a vision for clinicians

Infidelity in committed relationships is usually a unilateral act. Every coupleship has spoken or assumed agreements about what crosses the line into cheating, and open relationships are no exception. When one person breaches the fidelity code of conduct they have with their partner, it breaks down trust and safety. The tricky part is this: because most fidelity violators work to keep their actions secret, their partners keep loyally contributing to the relationship in a false context of safety. Once a partner discovers more secrets, the distrust that has been heating up for years comes to a full boil. I call this reality collapse, and it is a deeply traumatic experience. Unfortunately, many couples seek counseling only after these discovery patterns have occurred multiple times. Furthermore, finding the right help, right away can be a huge challenge for clients. With so many programs and approaches out there, sifting through it all — while in total crisis mode — can be overwhelming.

I believe that as the mental health realm embraces the language of betrayal violence we will see more consistent therapeutic assessment and application. There are so many good books, podcasts and programs targeting the rebuilding of trust, and it’s important for clients to feel represented by the lens through which their selected resources address infidelity. This can be difficult, as they each offer different blends of theoretical perspectives about things like problematic sexual behavior, sex addiction, attachment theory, betrayal trauma theory, codependency, coercive control, spirituality and more. 

It is essential that we begin using standardized terms regarding infidelity in the therapy realm. It is paramount that the field of psychology as a whole correctly understand the glaring issue of power and control imbedded in most secret cheating and intimate betrayal. 

I believe this information has the power to impact not only the mental health domain but also the legal system, the medical field, and faith-based, community and advocacy programs.

It’s #timetodefine betrayal violence

The conduct of betrayal violence hasn’t been clearly defined – until now. This language is meant to provide relief and cohesion for clients and clinicians alike; it serves as a springboard to unity and clarity in the clinical community and beyond. 

My hope is that every person navigating through this traumatic terrain can feel comprehensively seen, understood, and guided to the right next thing.

We’re leading a movement - initiating promising change… The world will catch on as we keep going.

Imagine the possibilities...
Here are the goals for this work:

  • Every gynecologist will be able to identify and provide resources for betrayal violence.

  • Every pastor, priest, rabbi, imam, bishop, Biblical counselor, etc. will be able to recognize the presence of abuse dynamics in working with couples where betrayal violence is occurring.

  • Every court system will maintain accountability for betrayal violence in relevant divorce and child custody cases.

  • Psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists will immediately assess for power and control dynamics in couples therapy where there are infidelity-related concerns. 

  • Every domestic violence center will have programming and resources available specifically for betrayal violence.

  • Professors and graduate counseling programs will include betrayal violence conduct in their curricula. 

  • Certified coaches will be able to detect betrayal violence conduct and offer support and education to their clients.

  • Advocates will take a reponse-based approach to betrayal violence and promote awareness through non-victim-blaming advocacy.

  • And clients will have a more effective starting place by having equity concerns prioritized in their individual and couples therapy. 

QUICK LINKS
About Intensives Resource Vault Podcast Magazine Login JOIN ME ON INSTAGRAM JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK JOIN ME ON TIKTOK

Betrayal Violence Informed Organizations are trained to recognize and rehabilitate inequity dynamics caused by infidelity in intimate relationships.