About Hope
Hope Ray, LPC CSAT CHFP CCPS
Hope is a therapist, theoretician and the pioneer of betrayal violence (BV), an overarching framework for infidelity that pinpoints the endangerment betrayed partners face when their significant others use deception, gaslighting and exploitation to hide fidelity-violating behavior.
In 2023, Hope established the Betrayal Violence Institute (BVI) which provides definitions and education for professionals in the mental health, medical, pastoral, legal and community-based realms to better understand the common power dynamics in modern infidelity. Â
Hope is the creator of Complex Partner Trauma Magazine, a publication for betrayed women, and the host of Women Who Discover, a private podcast about infidelity betrayal.
For over a decade, Hope has walked alongside betrayed partners and couples in her intensive-based practice in Michigan. She is a wife and mother of two, a “foodie,” a piano songwriter and a bird lover with aspirations to someday become a falconer.
The Story We Share
I hurled my wedding ring at the wall - it was in the middle of another half-truth disclosure; one of those back-at-square-one type of fights where I was being worked over to disbelieve the evidence I had right in front of me. I remember the way my body used to shake during those moments of crisis… how the wrecking ball of deception swung relentlessly until all was crushed.Â
Trauma everywhere
I used to wake up each morning and the first thing I could feel was my shattered heart. A hundred unanswered questions… a thousand fears… unsafe to connect and yet starving to be feel chosen.
I was sinking under the weight of constantly triggered trauma; the panic of another business trip or a beautiful woman at the grocery store just buying food for her family. One April day my reality collapsed in one fell swoop and I experienced clarity that was sharp enough to cut through all the crazy-making. I encountered more evidence of the truth that I was restrained from knowing - and I began to understand just how endangered my wellbeing and safety truly was.  Â
Desecrated Trust, Broken Vows
As my brain and heart calibrated I felt more pain than I had ever experienced in my life - I never signed up for any of it. And even with divorce, the devastating impact didn’t disappear along with the relationship. The trauma I had sustained (and old wounds that were reopened) still throbbed inside me from the blunt impact of betrayal.
My healing was a clunky journey riddled with wrong turns. The photos of me from that time will forever portray my misery; sad eyes, worn-out heart, and crumpled shoulders. Yet, I healed.Â
What came of it all?
My own experience gave me the eyes and ears to understand this pain, but it is my clients who have taught me more about the principle dimensions of infidelity than psychology ever has.Â
Since 2012, my work has been sharply focused on helping society understand the inequities that emerge in relationships where fidelity violations are kept hidden from one's partner. I created the Betrayal Violence Institute (BVI) in order to educate organizations about the consistently overlooked power dynamics that lie at the heart of most modern infidelity. Part of BVI's mission is to define important terms that help cohere the language in the therapeutic community and beyond. I see this as a critical gap that needs to be filled, and it will have a positive domino effect into other disciplines as well.Â
Casting a vision for clinicians
Infidelity in committed relationships is usually a unilateral act. Every coupleship has spoken or assumed agreements about what crosses the line into cheating, and open relationships are no exception. When one person breaches the fidelity code of conduct they have with their partner, it breaks down trust and safety. The tricky part is this: because most fidelity violators work to keep their actions secret, their partners keep loyally contributing to the relationship in a false context of safety. Once a partner discovers more secrets, the distrust that has been heating up for years comes to a full boil. I call this reality collapse, and it is a deeply traumatic experience. Unfortunately, many couples seek counseling only after these discovery patterns have occurred multiple times. Furthermore, finding the right help, right away can be a huge challenge for clients. With so many programs and approaches out there, sifting through it all — while in total crisis mode — can be overwhelming.
I believe that as the mental health realm embraces the language of betrayal violence we will see more consistent therapeutic assessment and application. There are so many good books, podcasts and programs targeting the rebuilding of trust, and it’s important for clients to feel represented by the lens through which their selected resources address infidelity. This can be difficult, as they each offer different blends of theoretical perspectives about things like problematic sexual behavior, sex addiction, attachment theory, betrayal trauma theory, codependency, coercive control, spirituality and more.Â
It is essential that we begin using standardized terms regarding infidelity in the therapy realm. It is paramount that the field of psychology as a whole correctly understand the glaring issue of power and control imbedded in most secret cheating and intimate betrayal.Â
I believe this information has the power to impact not only the mental health domain but also the legal system, the medical field, and faith-based, community and advocacy programs.
It’s #timetodefine betrayal violence
The conduct of betrayal violence hasn’t been clearly defined – until now. This language is meant to provide relief and cohesion for clients and clinicians alike; it serves as a springboard to unity and clarity in the clinical community and beyond.Â
My hope is that every person navigating through this traumatic terrain can feel comprehensively seen, understood, and guided to the right next thing.
We’re leading a movement - initiating promising change… The world will catch on as we keep going.
Imagine the possibilities...
Here are the goals for this work:
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Every gynecologist will be able to identify and provide resources for betrayal violence.
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Every pastor, priest, rabbi, imam, bishop, Biblical counselor, etc. will be able to recognize the presence of abuse dynamics in working with couples where betrayal violence is occurring.
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Every court system will maintain accountability for betrayal violence in relevant divorce and child custody cases.
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Psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists will immediately assess for power and control dynamics in couples therapy where there are infidelity-related concerns.Â
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Every domestic violence center will have programming and resources available specifically for betrayal violence.
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Professors and graduate counseling programs will include betrayal violence conduct in their curricula.Â
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Certified coaches will be able to detect betrayal violence conduct and offer support and education to their clients.
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Advocates will take a reponse-based approach to betrayal violence and promote awareness through non-victim-blaming advocacy.
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And clients will have a more effective starting place by having equity concerns prioritized in their individual and couples therapy.Â
Betrayal Violence Informed Organizations are trained to recognize and rehabilitate inequity dynamics caused by infidelity in intimate relationships.